The Day

After a gruelling 20 minutes stuck in traffic we had finally reached the train station.  We raced up the stairs, bought out tickets, got the Platform A, and had a few minutes to spare.  He found a seat for me but I was too nervous and terrified to even think about sitting.  I looked down the platform trying to see if the train was arriving, but no sign.  I found myself pacing up and down thinking that there was no turning back now.

The sickening feeling I’d felt since I woke up returned once again.  Was it because of the nerves or just another reminder of my state?  Knowing what was coming I rushed into the restroom and made a dive for the sink.  This was probably the tenth time I’d gotten sick since I’d found out; yesterday morning it was the smell of jam donuts. All of a sudden I realized this would be the last time it would happen.  I caught my reflection in the mirror and at that moment I felt such hate for myself.  What sort of person does something like this? How could someone as careful as me have gotten to this point in my life and how would I ever face God.

 As I stood looking at myself lost in thoughts a teenager walked in I turned around and our eyes locked.  I gave her a half smile and walked out.  Looking over to the bench, where I expected him to be, I saw some elderly woman instead.  Had he gone to the toilet or did he leave? Maybe it was too much for him to deal with, this man of steel who had not shown a shred of emotion since we found out and had only expressed how we both knew what needed to be done, had he abandoned me in my time of need.  I was going around in circles when I finally spotted him and boy was I relieved.

 Looking over I found him glaring at the map in far distant contemplation. I went over to join him.  From the sound of my footsteps he turned around and out eyes locked.  For the first time I could finally see that pain I was feeling in my baby’s eyes.   In the entirety of it all, all I had thought about was myself.  I’d being so selfish that I overlooked the pain he was going through.

When I entered the waiting room I could smell the sterility of the room and the silent familiarity of what was waiting.  I approached the secretary to ask what to do and was wary of the question she might ask, for a few seconds I wondered what I was even doing in that place...Should I be there? Was this all just a big mistake? And why oh why wasn’t I more careful.

Sitting in the waiting room looking at the clock waiting for it to be time I just thought about the old me. Where had she gone when did she leave me and will she ever come back or is this it...does the past leave you as well as your old self.  The old me, the one who always thought with her heart and kept away from all this, would never have allowed this to happen.  I was always against this, had staunch views about it,  so how in the world did I end up here...if it weren’t for my religion or for my identity I wouldn’t be here.  If I could just get away from everyone from the world and be in my own little corner I wouldn’t go through with this..But would he support me? Would he be with me?

 I look around the room and see other patients sitting and waiting.  In this room every one of us share something in common, we’re all going through the same thing, and yet for different reasons.  There’s a girl that’s just walked in, she looks young, maybe 16, she’s has a man with her, looks like a family member maybe her dad. The poor thing is red eyed and seems frightened. I watch as she goes to reception and signs in, the secretary hands her some pamphlets which the poor thing tucks into her bag.  

She takes a seat across from me, I can’t help but look at her and when her eyes lock I can clearly see the pain she’s going through, I quickly look away and fight back the tears. Even though he’s sitting right here next to me I feel so alone. As if the whole world is against me and I’m here all alone.  I wish I could just run out this place but I know I can’t. Finally I hear my name called, after what felt like hours of torturous waiting, as I get up to stand and follow the nurse he grabs my hand and squeezes it and tells me that everything will be alright.  But I know that things will never be the same again.