Forever First

Every time I look at my phone and see his texts something inside of me lights up.  It’s a wonderful feeling knowing there’s someone else in this universe who understands how you feel because they feel it too and their simple words of reassurance does wonders to this lonely feeling.  He’s become my best friend, my first actual grown up best friend.  Sometimes I do wonder how our friendship never turned into anything else.  To be honest it baffles me.  It’s an age old conception that men and women can never simply be friends.  Somewhere down the line it blossoms into something more, whether it be purely physical or love.

I remember the first night we met.  I’d just logged on to this chat site after many years and the first person to pop up was him.  I was wasting a bit of time as it was still pretty early in the night, nothing on telly, and far from tired.  After spending a few minutes flicking through channels I decided to doodle a bit on my lap top and somehow in between checking emails and looking to order some makeup I found myself on the chat site.  We began chatting, nothing fun really, just about the British weather and our hobbies.  Then he asked me what my perfect dream would be. I told him mine is to be lying down in a beautiful prairie out in the middle of nowhere with the sun beating down on me and sounds of nature all around.  

I always wished to live in a place away from all the troubles in the world, in my own little corner.  He told me about his dream of being eons away in some foreign country, preferably in the wild, where no one knows him and he could live his life just the way he wants without anyone poking their nose around.  We went on talking about our favourite music, books, and movies.  He spoke of his college days and short lived aspirations of becoming a writer.  As a teenager he would always be up in his room writing away in his journal of his thoughts, opinions, and anything else he could think of.  But his father did not support the notion of his only son becoming a writer.  Instead he expected him to follow in his footsteps and become an attorney.

 After receiving excellent marks and getting into one of the most prestigious law schools in London he graduated with honours and joined his father’s practice.  He discussed how becoming a lawyer and working alongside his dad saved their bruised father son relationship.  As a young boy, like most boys, he had always been close to his mom, but for some reason, ones he may not have wished to disclose, he and his dad always remained at odds with one another.  They never had any special father son moments and throughout his childhood he always felt he had displeased him.  However the day he graduated and became a lawyer he could see the sense of pride in his father’s eyes and this began a new relationship for them.  To be honest right there at that moment while he went on telling me about his life, sharing each and every important moment, I fell in love with him.

On several occasions he asked if we could maybe swap numbers, but for some strange reason I felt this wouldn’t be a good idea and may even fast forward our friendship to another level.  A level I was not yet prepared for.  Since it’s the 21^stcentury and pretty much everyone has a smart phone these days we were both constantly emailing each other and so we weren’t disadvantaged in any way when it came to staying in contact.  After a month of emailing I finally relented and we swapped numbers. But my superstition didn’t end there.  I had some conditions. We would only text until I felt comfortable enough to speak and he agreed.  He certainly seemed like a very patient man and I could feel myself falling deeply in love with him each passing day. 

I treasured every text I received from him they were about the most mundane things like what we had for breakfast or about the people we were sitting across from on the tube.  They were also very endearing and sweet and always made me smile.  During those moments I was able to forget the problems I was having in my life.  For the first time in 2 years I was able to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face and appreciate everything around me.  After the divorce I’d given up.  I couldn’t remember the last time I felt like I was actually living and enjoying life instead of going about like a robot.  Now I looked forward to waking up each and every day to his lovely texts and emails.  This new found sense of content did not go unnoticed by my parents either.  They could see I was finally coming out of this deep dark shell I’d buried myself into since the divorce.  Those early days when it all happened the only happiness I found was seeing my children.  Having grandkids, even my parents were able to put their anger towards their ex son-in law aside, and be the best support system they could possibly be for my kids and I.  But I never was the same till the day I met him.

One morning I woke up rather early and decided to take the plunge and call him.  When he received the call everything was silent on the other end.  After what seemed like forever I said hello and he replied back.  The sound of his voice made me melt like butter.  His hello spoke volumes.  I could tell he was blown away by my call.  Another moment of silence passed and all of a sudden it was as if some crazy chic had taken over my body.  I asked him if he was working today and he replied no. 

The next thing I know I blurted out, ‘Let’s meet today in Covent Garden.’

All was quiet on the other end, seeming more like minutes than seconds, during which I was feeling utterly stupid.  This was exactly why I felt we should hold off talking for a bit longer. 

But all of a sudden I hear, ‘Well if you’re really sure about this, then why not.’

           I was taken by shock, surprise, nervousness, and most of all mentally envisioning my wardrobe wondering what I could possibly wear.  We bid good bye and I made a mad dash for the shower. 

Every single detail of that day will always remain in my memories.  It was one of the best and since that day we have never met again.  It’s been five years going and we’ve become best friends.  Sometimes I wonder if it was my failed marriage that stopped me from pursuing a relationship with him.  We had decided to meet in this little cafe I had gone to years ago. He first asked for us to meet outside the station but I thought it’d be easier to meet at the cafe since the station would be buzzing with people.  It was summer which meant an influx of tourists.  I purposely left my house early so I could be the first one to arrive at the cafe and get us a good table.

 Those ten minutes I spent at that table waiting for him were the longest of my life.  I kept checking myself in the mirror, making sure my make up was alright.  For the life of me I couldn’t believe I was mulling over my appearance this much when it was just a nice coffee date with a good friend.  Five minutes later he texted me saying he was only a minute away from the cafe and asking where I’d be seated.  All of a sudden I got that horrible feeling I get when I’m nervous.  My stomach starts to ache and my knees feel all wobbly.  I get another text from him asking how he’ll know who I am and how I’ll know who he is.  I told him to just come in and take a chance.  Seconds after I hit the send button, I look up, and there’s a very handsome guy with a cheeky grin standing in front of me.  I stand up and just look at him. 

He says, “I found you.” 

Looking at him I get this wonderful exciting feeling.  There’s something about him that always made me feel warm inside. Beginning from the day we met online to our texts to when I’d first heard his voice to now.  He has this far away look in his eyes and then all of a sudden he breaks out in the sweetest hottest smile ever.  I’m surprised when he comes towards me, thinking he’s about to shake my hand, I’m just about to extend it when he encloses me in his arms and hugs me.  This is the first hug I’ve had from any man since the divorce other than my dad and brother.  I loved him holding me.  I’d felt secure and happy at that moment.  Something inside of me didn’t want to let go and he seemed to be holding on as well.  As we disentangled ourselves from each other his lips gently brushed my cheek, it was a wonderful feeling.

The first few minutes were a bit awkward.  The waitress breaks the silence when she comes to take our orders and just before she asks what I’d like to drink, he speaks for me, and orders a skinny latte.  After she leaves he looks down at me and I can’t help but blush.    He says after our morning conversations it would be an absolute shame if he didn’t know my favourite drink by now.  We sit back and just look at each other for a while and then he says he’d never met anyone as sweet and beautiful as me and how lucky he’d become into having such a good honest friend.  I told him how much I valued our friendship.  We began chatting away and soon after he suggested we go to one of his favourite parks as it was close by and the weather was absolutely beautiful.  The walk to the park from the cafe was a long one and at first quiet.  He began telling me how much he loved summer because of the weather and how it puts everyone in a much better mood.  I told him my favourite season was summer as well for two reasons, the weather and it’s my birthday in July.  He laughed.  We stopped at the ice cream vendors and got some ice cream. I was adamant on paying for them, but like a gentlemen he firmly said no and paid.  As we walked through the welcome gates of the park I was taken away by the view.  There were many hills and right in the middle was a beautiful pond, which had a little bridge as well as swans, overlooking Buckingham Palace.  I remember taking a picture of the view that day which I later had blown up.  I’ve got the picture somewhere in my room and every time I look at it I’m reminded of that wonderful day.

We found a nice spot to sit under this huge tree on top of a hill overlooking the pond.  Sitting back against the tree next to him surrounded by the beauties of nature was near enough heaven.  We sat there and talked about life.  Somehow we both felt comfortable even in the flesh and he told me about his failed marriage and I finally told him about mine.  Since we met he’d never asked where my husband was.  He knew I had kids as I always talked about them, but I think because I never mentioned my ex he didn’t want to ask.  That day in the park we were both able to confide in each other and discuss the demons we both had inside regarding our marriages and the decisions and actions we took which may have contributed to the short comings in our lives.  He told me I had done nothing wrong, it was just meant to be and I told him the same.  Sometimes in life we are unlucky.  We marry the wrong people and no matter how hard we try to make things work, after all the effort, the problems are still there, and will never disappear.  I asked him if he ever thought about marrying again.  He looked at me and asked if I ever considered remarrying again.  I said I had no idea what the universe had in store for me.  He reached out gently touched my cheek and smiled. 

Then he looked away from me and said, ‘All that brilliant logic will go right out the window with the past.’